It has been two years today since Vishan passed. I have been asked to post this anonymously for another. Vittey is missed dearly by so many.
I remember those days when we used to go for transfusions and we never spoke a word even when we were facing each other…
I remember those days when we first started talking and getting close… We became close friends so soon… We had so much in common…
I remember those days when we first started hanging out together and how it gradually turned to be a 24/7 thing…
I remember how our friends teased us and how we denied that we were more than friends…
I remember us slowly falling in love because we understood each other and cared for each other so much…
I remember that even then our friends would tease us merciless and we denied it to them and also to ourselves, even when we knew we were more than just good friends…
I remember how we finally admitted it to ourselves one day and how you asked me to go steady and how I said yes, not caring about what anyone else would have thought…
We decided to keep everything for ourselves and would smile all the time because we shared the most wonderful secret in the world….
I remember the feeling of being the happiest and the luckiest person in the whole world when I was with you….
I remember the happy times I spent with you, the way we cared about each other and the fun we shared together….
I remember how great things were…
Until finally one day we decided to end it all because we thought we had no future together…
Because we thought no one would support us and….
Because I felt scared….
I remember you were just fine with it and thought it was for the best…
I remember how you used to console me when I cried so much thinking life was so unfair…
I remember you helping me to move on with my life and get into new relationships…
I remember how you were there for me always even after we broke up…
And then I finally moved on…
Because I thought you had moved on with life and past what we had, long before I had…
This was when you told me finally how much you loved me and wanted me back…
And it was then you started telling all our close friends about what we had…
I remember that none of them told me it was alright, none of them thought what we had was ok and all of them thought that I did the right thing by breaking up...
No one was supportive…
Maybe if they were I would have gone back when you asked me again…
But instead all of them who knew were glad I came to ‘senses’ before it was ‘too late’…
Our friendship after that was never the same…
If it was good one day, it was great the next day and rocky the next next day… We would get so depressed with each other that we would stop talking until we felt that we couldn’t be without talking… and then our friendship would be good, great and rocky again…
But even then I never stopped loving you… and never stopped caring for you… even if I denied it I know you knew this… I know you knew how much I cared for you and loved you…
And I know you never stopped loving me….never stopped caring for me… never got over me either …
I remember how much I tried to help you move on with life… asking, demanding, getting angry, pleading and even crying, trying to make you see what you were doing to your self… but nothing seemed to work…
And then you told me how sick you have gotten over the years and I remember being so scared and worried for you…
And that’s when I decided to be there for you no matter what, the last two or three months…
I feel happy that we talked all the time without getting moody or depressed with each other for the last few months, for the first time after we broke up…
I feel happy that I was there for you the last few months…
But I feel so sad to know that you started falling sick when you gave up on life… and when you gave up on hope…
And I also feel that you gave up on life the day I gave up on us completely… when I said there would be no chance of us being together ever…
Am I the reason why you gave up on life?
It breaks my heart when I think that…
I don’t want to blame myself, but I feel that even if I could not have made the difference I could have certainly made you happier if I hadn’t given up on us…
I wanted to say so many things the last time I called you…
But I only said I never stopped loving you… and how special you were to me still…and I was so glad when you said you always knew…
I wanted to ask you to forgive me… but I couldn’t bring myself to it…
And then you went….
You were so brave and I never heard you complaining even once. You would support and be strong for me when I started growing weak….and it should have been the other way around…
You were full of smiles for me and all your loved ones even when you were so sick…You were a fighter to the end….
You gave me so many memories and showed me how much worth life can be…
You taught me what it is to love, to care and to understand… You taught me to be strong and never give up on life… You taught me to move on with life…
I just have one question for you…
Why did you not do the same?
But none of this matters now… what matters is that you are gone… forever…leaving all of us devastated…and what matters is I won’t ever see you smile again… I can’t ever call you and hear your voice again…
I hope you are at peace now… away from all the suffering…
Just know that I still love you a lot… and that I cannot stop loving you ever… Just know that you are always in my prayers and that neither you nor your memories can ever be forgotten…Just know that the place I have for you in my heart can never be filled…
Yours Truly,
IM (M)