Thalassemia Patients and Friends

Discussion Forums => General Chatter => Topic started by: Canadian_Family on December 16, 2006, 11:52:28 PM

Title: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: Canadian_Family on December 16, 2006, 11:52:28 PM
Tempers running high here, lets cool down and share some jokes. I go first.....

Joke 1

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"


Real Life Joke

Now this joke actually happened to me in real life, last year I was working for a life insurance company in an actuarial department, some of you who don't know actuarial work revolves around mortality and morbidity issues (sometimes).

My three year old daughter was asked "What does your dad do" She said "My dad counts dead people"...... I could not believe since only once I tried to explain to her my occupation.

Regards
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: KHALIFA on December 17, 2006, 02:01:21 AM
Hi
     good joke
              i have one also a bout the airline and pilot(as i am a pilot  :biggrin)
   after the pilot take of the airplane he start to welcoming the passengers suddenly he start screeming (OH ,OH MY GOD OH NO ) and after that akiller silince after a wihile the pilot start to speak to the passengers am sorry but if you know what happened ,,the hot mug of coffe fall down on my pants if you see what happened to my pants from the front ,,,imediatly one of the passengers stand up and he told him go to the hell you and your pant come and see what happened to our pants from the BACK ....   :grin
                khalifa
        state of kuwait
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: Kathy11 on December 17, 2006, 03:05:56 AM
I like the jokes its funny :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl.
Thank-you for sharing.
kathy.
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: Christine Mary on December 17, 2006, 08:09:32 AM
Two peanuts were walking down an alley.....




ONE WAS A SALTED!!!!!!!  :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :wink
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: §ãJ¡Ð ساجد on December 17, 2006, 01:46:46 PM
Quote from: Canadian_Family on December 16, 2006, 11:52:28 PM
Tempers running high here, lets cool down and share some jokes. I go first.....

What? How? Who?

Oh.... Actually it's not that what you're thinking.
We, were just having a "Healthy debate" and like in all debates there has to be a disagreement which requires the discussion otherwise it wouldn't be a debate! Am I making any sense? :huh

Like Kathy pointed out, we are like a family and everyone still loves each other no matter what. So, no hard feelings on my part. I want Peace with everyone!

@topic

I luvd all jokes that have been posted so far. Let's see if mine is worth a chuckle.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.  Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.  Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment.  "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

Take care, Peace!
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: Manal on December 17, 2006, 03:29:23 PM
Quote from: §ãJ¡Ð ®âµƒ on December 17, 2006, 01:46:46 PM
We, were just having a "Healthy debate" and like in all debates there has to be a disagreement which requires the discussion otherwise it wouldn't be a debate! Am I making any sense? :huh

Like Kathy pointed out, we are like a family and everyone still loves each other no matter what. So, no hard feelings on my part. I want Peace with everyone!
I too agree with Sajid and Kathy. NO HARD FEELINGS, BUT APPRECIATION TO EVERYONE IS TRYING TO ADVICE THE OTHER
___________________________________________________________________________
Anyway, i love all the jokes and i too love the following one, so share it with me though its long.

A father passing by his teenage daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was neat and tidy. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the centre of the pillow. It was addressed "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and
read the letter with trembling hands:-
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you, but I'm leaving home. I had to elope with my new boyfriend Randy because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Randy and he is so nice to me. I know when you meet him you'll like him too - even with all his piercing, tattoos, and motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Dad, I'm pregnant and Randy said that he wants me to have the kid and that we can be very happy together. Even
though Randy is much older than me (anyway, 42 isn't so old these days is it?), and has no money, really these things shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship, don't you agree?
Randy has a great CD collection; he already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. It's true he has other girlfriends as well but I know he'll be faithful to me in his own way. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
Randy taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and he'll be growing it for us and we'll trade it with our friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that
science will find a cure for AIDS so Randy can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your loving daughter,
Rosie.
At the bottom of the page were the letters "PTO". Hands still trembling, her father turned the sheet, and read:
PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk centre drawer. Please sign it and call when it is safe for me to come home. I love you

Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: Christine Mary on December 17, 2006, 05:51:48 PM
 :rotfl

 too funny sajid and manal!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: Kathy11 on December 17, 2006, 10:16:35 PM
Hello everyone :biggrin

Manal and sajid  good one   I couldnt stop laughing  :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl 
Thank-you for brightening my morning .
Khalifa
 Thank-you too .I will pay attention to your suggestion and it was good that you persevere with your sons care , now you both has a good result.I am happy that there is hope for thal patient, out there,especially for the youth.
It nice to have you all in my life thank-you for being there.
Kathy.

 

Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: KHALIFA on December 18, 2006, 10:50:55 AM
Hi Kathy
      i just want t say

       

                   
ONE FOR ALL AND ALL FOR ONE
                                                             KHALIFA
                                                     STATE OF KUWAIT
               
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: jzd24 on December 19, 2006, 12:58:22 AM
 :rotfl :crackup :crackup :yahoo Thanks for the jokes - they are so funny! I love them. It's a good addition to the site. Keep it up! I don't have any right now, but I'll be looking. Thanks for giving me some laughs. Jean
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: Canadian_Family on December 19, 2006, 01:09:58 AM
Canadian also called Canuk, so here is another one..... Something tells me this is true :)

An American, a Scot and a Canuk were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $100, we could return to the earth."

He continued, " So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $100, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: Andy Battaglia on December 26, 2006, 09:22:02 PM
So Much Truth to this one


DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS


40-ish..................................49.


Adventurous..........................Slept with everyone.


Athletic................................No breasts.


Average looking.....................Moooo.


Beautiful..............................Pathological liar.


Emotionally Secure..................On medication.


Feminist...............................Fat.


Free Spirit.............................Junkie.


Friendship first.......................Former Slut.


New-Age..............................Body hair in the wrong places.


Old-fashioned........................No B.J.'s


Open-minded.........................Desperate.


Outgoing..............................Loud and embarrassing.


Professional...........................Bitch.


Voluptuous...........................Very fat.


Large frame...........................Hugely fat.


Wants soul mate.....................Stalker.





DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:


Yes.....................................No


No......................................Yes


Maybe.................................No


We need...............................I want


I am sorry.............................You'll be sorry


We need to talk......................You're in trouble


Sure, go ahead........................You better not


Do what you want...................You will pay for this later


I am not upset........................Of course, I am upset, you moron!


You're attentive tonight............Is sex all you ever think about?





DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:


I am hungry...........................I am hungry


I am sleepy............................I am sleepy


I am tired..............................I am tired


Nice dress..............................Nice cleavage!


I love you..............................Let's have sex now


I am bored.............................Do you want to have sex?


May I have this dance?..................I'd like to have sex with you.


Can I call you sometime?..............I'd like to have sex with you.


Do you want to go to a movie?......I'd like to have sex with you.


Can I take you out to dinner?........I'd like to have sex with you.


I don't think those shoes go with that outfit..............I'm gay.







Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: Andy Battaglia on December 26, 2006, 09:26:23 PM
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."
With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, baby.... Southern Girl needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down and squealed... "YES!
YES! I WON! I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers... And then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other, dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."

Moral ---
Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But, all men..... are men
 
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: KHALIFA on December 26, 2006, 10:23:21 PM
  HI
        the last joke i meet is :
   When my father before 15 days he fall down with heart attack i took him to hospital verey fast,, when i reach the hospital they take him to the emergency room i found the nurse put for him an IV the Dr try to check his heart emedeatly i make short breafe to the Dr suddenly my father start to loose his movement he look like he will be in a coma i notice the Dr he was verey calm and the IV in his arm so i shout to the nurse to bring 5 ML of valiume to calm him down because the O2 was 50% heart beat very high BP high the nurse gave it to me i was waiting the Dr to take it from me but he was confused he look like don't know what he should do without any waiting i gave  my father the valiume by IV and i called the ICU Dr he came verey fast he insert the air tupe in his mouth with NS drip my father he calm down and every thing start to be normal after ten minute ....what make me laughing  :rotfl  and mad  :mad in the same time that confused Dr he ask me (PLS Dr WHICH HOSPITAL YOU ARE WORKING YOU TOOK GOOD ACTION,, AND WHO IS HE THAT MAN YOU SAFE HIS LIFE ) i told him first am not Dr second that man who i safe his life is my father third thing i wish to know from which college you get your degree  :biggrin i remembare my mother call me i went to her but when i turn my face to the position of the Dr i couldn't see him he just ran a way because he saw me with my brothers really want to give him good bunching  :wink :wink
                               
                                                khalifa
                                        state of kuwait 
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: Canadian_Family on December 26, 2006, 10:39:38 PM
Andy,

I cannot stop laughing  :rotfl  :rotfl  :rotfl, your post is the best dictionary I ever saw. It is going on my personal diary.

Regards
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: §ãJ¡Ð ساجد on December 27, 2006, 06:00:22 AM
:lmao2

Hi Andy!

Looks like you had a real good time this holiday!

Enjoy your time!

Take care, Peace!
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: Christine Mary on December 27, 2006, 03:08:44 PM
This is funny.........
 
 
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it and takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and
asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: Christine Mary on December 27, 2006, 03:10:31 PM
Tequila Christmas Cake
 
1 cup of water
1 tsp. baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp. salt
1 cup of brown sugar Lemon juice
4 large eggs Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups of dried fruit
 
Sample the tequila to check quality.  Take a large bowl, check the tequila again.  To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.  Repeat.  Turn on the electric mixer.  Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.  Add one teaspoon of sugar.  Beat again.
 
At this point it's best to make sure the tequila is still OK.  Try another cup ... just in case.  Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the frigging fruit up off floor.  Mix on the turner.  If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity.
 
Next, sift two cups of salt.  Or something.  Check the tequila.  Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.  Add one table.  Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink.  Whatever you can find.  Greash the oven.  Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.  Don't forget to beat off the turner.  Finally, throw the bowl through the window.
 
Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.  CHERRY MISTMAS!
 
 
   
 


Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: Christine Mary on December 27, 2006, 03:13:30 PM
A Loving Husband...




A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.  While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."  The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.   
 
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend  only $150?"


The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead.  I just can't take that chance."



Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: Christine Mary on December 27, 2006, 03:14:59 PM
Why, Why, Why
>>
>>     Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries
>>are getting weak?
>>
>>     Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know
>>there is not enough?
>>
>>     Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
>>stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
>>
>>     Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
>>
>>     Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
>>
>>     Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
>>
>>     Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you
>>throw a revolver at him?
>>
>>     Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
>>
>>     Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
>>
>>     If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
>>
>>     Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles
>>are always white?
>>
>>     Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
>>
>>     Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
>>something new to eat will have materialized?
>>
>>     Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their
>>vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down
>>to give the vacuum one more chance?
>>
>>     Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first
>>try?
>>
>>     How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
>>
>>     When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a
>>shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all
>>right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you
>>stupid idiot?"
>>
>>     Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling
>>off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
>>
>>     In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer
>>when we complained about the heat?
>>
>>     How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
>>
>>     And my FAVORITE.....
>>
>>     The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is
>>suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best
>>friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
>>
>>
>>
>>
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: Christine Mary on December 27, 2006, 03:16:12 PM
SEX ON THE FENCE
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember  the first time we had sex together over fifty years  ago?

We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the  back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes,  she says, "I remember it well."

OK," he says, "How about taking  a stroll around there again and we can do it for old  time's sake?" "Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like  a crazy, but good idea!"

There's a police officer sitting in the  next booth listening to all  this, and having a chuckle to  himself.

He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers  having sex against a fence.  I'll  just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble."   
So he  follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other  for support aided  by walking  sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their  way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and  the old man drops his trousers.  As she leans against the  fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most  furious sex that the watching policeman has ever  seen. This goes on for about ten minutes. Both are making loud  noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse,  panting on the  ground.

The policeman is  amazed. He thinks he has learned something about  life and  old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of  lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their  feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman, still  watching thinks, this was truly amazing. He thinks, I've got to  ask them what their secret is.

As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was  something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together.

Is there some sort of secret to this?" The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: Christine Mary on December 27, 2006, 03:18:03 PM
Honeymoon at Home

Bob and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Bob's
Mom and Dad's for their first night  together.

In the morning, Johnny, Bob's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.  As he is
going out  of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Bob and Mary are up  yet.

She replies,  "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I  think?"

His mom replies, "I don't want to hear  what you think!  Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Bob and Mary up yet?"

She replies,  "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I  think?"

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think!  Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,  "Are Bob and Mary up yet?"

His mom says,  "No."

He asks, "Do you know what I  think?"

His mom replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?"

He says: "Last night Bob came to  my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my
airplane glue."

Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: Christine Mary on December 27, 2006, 03:18:35 PM
A woman walked into a drug store and told the pharmacist she needed some
cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The woman explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes grew big and he said, "Lord, have mercy --
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll
lose
my  license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things
will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

The woman reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her
husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, " Well, now,
you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: Christine Mary on December 27, 2006, 03:19:39 PM
>>For  all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free.
>>Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage,
>>WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get
>>a little sausage.
>>
>>Men  are like....
>>
>>1. Men are  like ...Laxatives  ..... They  irritate the crap out of you.
>>2. Men are like.Bananas .......  The older they get, the less firm they
>>are.
>>3. Men are like  ......Weather .  Nothing can be done to change them.
>>4. Men are like Blenders  You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
>>5. Men are like  .....Chocolate Bars  .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually
>>head right for your hips.
>>6. Men  are like ...Commercials  ....... You can't believe a word they
>>say.
>>7. Men are like Department  Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
>>8. Men  are like .....Government Bonds  ... They take soooooooo long to
>>mature.
>>9. Men are like  .....Mascara . They usually  run at the first sign of
>>emotion.
>>10. Men are like .Popcorn .... They satisfy  you, but only for a little
>>while.
>>11. Men are like Snowstorms  .... You never know when they're coming, how
>>many inches you'll get or how long  it will last.
>>12. Men are like ........Lava Lamps  .... Fun to look at, but not very
>>bright.
>>13. Men are like Parking Spots . All the good ones are taken,  the rest
>>are handicapped.
>>
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: Christine Mary on December 27, 2006, 03:20:15 PM
WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need
 to shut up.
 
FIVE MINUTES

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes
if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping
around the house.
 
NOTHING

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be
on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine".
 
GO AHEAD

This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
 
LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood
 by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why
he is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
 
THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man.
 "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding
how and when you will pay for your mistake.
 
THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome

 
WHATEVER

It's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: Christine Mary on December 27, 2006, 03:21:07 PM
The Code:

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

President Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:
                                 370H-SSV-0773H.

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice. Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it sent to the CIA, then to NASA.  Eventually they asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply: "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: Christine Mary on December 27, 2006, 03:21:55 PM
A story from an engaged man:

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been
Dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was
only one little thing bothering me . it was her beautiful younger
sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight
miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down
when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view. It
had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to go over to check the
Wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to
me that She had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total
shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my
bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down
the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a
beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed
straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said,
"We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't
ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to our family!!!"

And the moral of this story is : Always keep your condoms in your car.


Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: Kathy11 on December 27, 2006, 10:11:23 PM
John gets married, and on his wedding night calls his father to get some tips on what to do since he had never been with a woman before.

"Dad so what do I do first?"

His father: "Take her clothes off and lay her on the bed"

5 minutes later John is on the phone again.

"She's naked and in bed what do I do now?" His father can't believe what he is hearing,

"Take your damn clothes off and get into bed with her."

After another 5 minutes John is on the phone again.

"Dad, I'm naked and in bed with her, what do I do now?" His father's patience is now running out so he says,

"Shit son, do I have to spell everything out to you? Just put the hardest thing on your body where she pees. Good night!!!!

"Just when his father starts snoring, his son is on the phone again.

"OK Dad, I have my head in the toilet bowl what do I do now?"

"Drown yourself, you bloody idiot!"
 
 
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: KHALIFA on December 27, 2006, 11:29:25 PM
 :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl Kathy11 
        i think every body get drunk now  :rotfl
    i have somthing also
  a man who is 90 years old get married from 20 years old girl ,in the first night he ask her what we should do now ?  :huh she said i don't know  :dunno i have no experiance ,, the old man replay what a problem i did for my self this girl she don't know what we should do now and i forget what i have to do now  :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl

                                           khalifa
                                     state of kuwait
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: LWSpevack on December 28, 2006, 02:36:56 AM
Okay ... Count me in.  The world could use a laugh or two or three or four ... See what ya's think...


A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked on the old wooden front door.

When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.

She said, "Les' see now, there's the  twins, Sally and Billy, they're thirty-two and the twins, Seth & Beth, they're twenty-six. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're  twenty-four .... "

"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins  EVERY time?"

The woman answered, "Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin."
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: LWSpevack on December 28, 2006, 05:16:35 AM
And...


A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him out of ten million bucks; his bookkeeper is deaf.  It was considered an occupational benefit, and the reason he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything that he'd ever have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.  The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million bucks is hidden.  The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."  That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
 
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK!  You win!  The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
 
The Attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
 
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: LWSpevack on December 29, 2006, 12:05:44 AM
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.  Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.  He opens it and sees a huge, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road.  ...Having a Christmas party Friday night...  Thought you might like to come.  About 5:00."

Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks.  Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops.  "Gotta warn you...  There's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem" says Tom.  "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.  "More 'n' likely, gonna be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right.  I'll be  there.  Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea.  "I've been all alone for six months!  I'll definitely be there.  By the way, what should I wear?"

"Whatever you want.  Just gonna be the two of us."

Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: Kathy11 on December 29, 2006, 02:52:48 AM
 :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl LWSpevack  very funny joikes.
 :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl

Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: LWSpevack on December 29, 2006, 03:30:41 AM
Hey Kathy!!!  We'll keep going then...

A lawyer went duck hunting in rural Minnesota.  He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
 
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.  The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied,  " This is my property,  and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in Minnesota and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in these parts of Minnesota?  We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Gofer Three Kick Rule '."
 
The lawyer asked,  " What's that ?"

The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.  He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal flushing from his mouth.

The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.  Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up.  You can have the duck."
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: Kathy11 on December 29, 2006, 08:05:11 AM
LWSpevack,  another good one   :rotfl  :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl
Thanks for the laughter that the jokes brings.
Kathy
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: LWSpevack on January 03, 2007, 01:00:16 AM
An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day.  He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.  The gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance.  I just never wanted to."

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well you old fool, you're gonna dance now" and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound.  The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet.

The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule square on the center of his ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No.  But I've always wanted to."

Don't mess with old folks!
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: Danielle on January 13, 2007, 09:51:59 AM
 :rotfl :rotfl Very funny.   :biggrin
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: Christine Mary on January 15, 2007, 02:58:18 AM
>*Little Leroy** *
>
>
>*Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
>His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell
>his Mother what he wanted.
>
>"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." *
>
>*Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker He had gotten into trouble at
>school and at home. *
>
>*Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for
>his birthday. "Of course", he said. *
>
>*
>Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his
>behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Leroy, and think about
>how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him
>why you deserve a bike for your birthday."
>
>Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God
>a letter.
>
>Letter 1
>Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike
>for my birthday. I want a red one.
>Your friend, Leroy.
>
>Leroy knew that it was not true. He had not been a good boy this year,
>so he tore it up and started over.
>
>Letter 2
>Dear God, I have been an OK boy this year. I still would like a bike for
>my birthday. Leroy. *
>
>*Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Leroy wrote
>a third letter.
>
>Letter 3
>Dear God, I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I
>will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!
>Thank you, Leroy.
>
>Leroy knew that it was not true. By now he was very upset. He went
>downstairs and told his mother that he needed to go to church.
>
>She thought her plan had worked.
>
>** **"** **Just be home for dinner," she told him. *
>
>*Leroy walked down the street to the church on the corner.  He went to
>the altar. *
>
>*Leroy looked around to see if anyone was looking as he bent down and
>picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary.
>
>He slipped it up under his shirt and ran out the church going back home.
>He ran to his room and shut the door. Leroy began to write his letter to
>God.
>
>Letter 4
>Dear God,
>
>I got your mama.
>
>If you want to see her again, send the bike.
>Signed, You know who*
>
>
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: Canadian_Family on January 15, 2007, 01:57:34 PM
 :rotfl :rotfl Good One...
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: LWSpevack on January 17, 2007, 02:56:49 AM
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian.  I spend my whole day thinking about women.  As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women.  When I shower, I think about women.  When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat.  It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: Christine Mary on January 17, 2007, 06:06:18 PM
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is
waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no
room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what
I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of
water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over,
such was his fate in Hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't
think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer
and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time
after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if
all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on
the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does
best.

Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can
handle this."

The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: Canadian_Family on January 17, 2007, 11:44:25 PM
Oh My !!!!!!!

 :rotfl  :rotfl  :rotfl
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: Andy Battaglia on January 18, 2007, 12:37:30 AM
 :yeahthat    :crackup   :crackup   :crackup
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: Danielle on January 18, 2007, 12:42:33 AM
These are hilarious!   :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: Danielle on January 18, 2007, 01:21:43 AM
Got this in email and thought I'd share.  Please don't yell at me.  :rotfl 

:backingout


George W. Bush's Resume

George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave., NW
Washington, D.C. 20500

Past Work Experience


Accomplishments in Previous Positions


Accomplishments As President


Records and References

Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: Christine Mary on January 18, 2007, 11:25:40 PM
*HOW TO STAY MARRIED*

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.  When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.  He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."


A Prayer.......

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;

Love to forgive him;

And Patience for his moods;

Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.  And I don't know how to crochet.  Amen


Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: Danielle on January 19, 2007, 04:02:35 AM
That was hysterical, Christine.   :rotfl

I have one for you guys ...   :biggrin

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled
inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful
heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all
eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my
own funeral..... I'm a gynecologist".

That's when the proctologist fainted.
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: Christine Mary on January 19, 2007, 05:21:51 AM
LMAO!!!!!!!!! :rotfl
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: Christine Mary on January 20, 2007, 11:17:10 PM
Alice and Frank are Bungee-jumping one day.
    Alice says to Frank, "You know, we could make a lot of
    money running our own Bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

 

     Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money
    and buy everything they'll need; a tower, an elastic
    cord, insurance, etc.
     They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.

 

    As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins
    to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work
    When they had finished, there was such a crowd they
    thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration, so Alice
    jumps.
     She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes
    back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches.

 

    Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she
    falls again, bounces and comes back up again.

 

     This time, she is bruised and bleeding.

 

     Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces
    back up.

 

    This time she has a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
     Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says,
    What happened? Was the cord too long?"
     Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee cord was
    fine. It was the crowd. What in the hell is a piñata?!"

 

 

Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: Canadian_Family on January 21, 2007, 07:10:13 PM
 :rotfl  :rotfl  :rotfl

Danielle and Christine you were great.
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: Christine Mary on January 23, 2007, 08:10:16 PM
ESCAPED CONVICT


A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.   
 
 He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
 
 Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to chair.   
 
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.   
 
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
     
 "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot  of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.  If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain ... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he hurts you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.  Be strong, honey. I love you!"
   
 His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
 He told me that he's gay, he thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.   I told him it was in the bathroom.     
 
 Be strong honey. I love you, too."

Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: LWSpevack on January 23, 2007, 11:50:11 PM
A Catholic Priest and a Jewish Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.  Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: §ãJ¡Ð ساجد on January 25, 2007, 11:07:47 AM
I hope you haven't heard this one yet and does not offend anyone.
---------------------------
3 Guys were going through a Jungle. One of them was an American, one was an Englishman and the third one was a Frenchman.

They got captured by Cannibals and asked the chief what they were going to do with them.

The chief replied, "We will eat your flesh, make tools with your bones and most importantly make canoes out of your skins."

The chief continued, "Since you are going to die anyway, I will let you choose your own preferred method of death."

The Englishman took out his pistol and placed it besides his head and hailed: "Long Live The Queen!" and pressed the trigger.

The Frenchman climbed a tree. He then took out a rope and tied one end to a branch, made a noose out of the other end and put his head through. Then he hailed: "Viv La France!", jumped off the branch and hung himself.

The American took out a sharp fork and started stabbing throughout his body until he was badly bruised and bleeding.

The Chief exclaimed, "Stop! why have you chosen such a painful and useless method of death!"

The American gathered himself up and looked straight in the eyes of the cannibal chief and said, "What do ya think of your canoe now!?"
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: Canadian_Family on January 25, 2007, 06:59:11 PM
Sajid, are you sure that American was not Mr. Bush?

 :rotfl  :rotfl  :rotfl
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: Christine Mary on January 26, 2007, 05:57:02 PM
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however,
they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they
needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
she would take off her panties and use them. Her
friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of
panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky
enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath
with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with
that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to
go home.

The next day one of the women's husband was concerned
that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in
bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and
said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm
starting to suspect the worst... my wife came home
with no panties!!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came
back with a card stuck to her ass that said...
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never
forget you.' "
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: Hallu on January 26, 2007, 08:51:54 PM
 :rotfl  :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: §ãJ¡Ð ساجد on January 28, 2007, 02:02:59 PM
Good ol' George W sings "Sunday Bloody Sunday" watch:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p13g9nYLSPM (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p13g9nYLSPM)

:biggrin

Take care, Peace!
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: Christine Mary on February 08, 2007, 03:29:19 PM
Lawyers


The United Way realised that it had never received a donation from the  city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show  you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to
pay?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children." The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my> sister's husband died in  dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities  requiring a huge array of private tutors?" The humiliated United Way rep,  completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."

And the lawyer says, "So... if I don't give any money to any of them, what  makes you think I'd give any to you?"

Title: Valentines Joke!
Post by: §ãJ¡Ð ساجد on February 14, 2007, 07:50:25 AM
Since it's Valentines day, I thought of sharing one joke about it.

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: Christine Mary on February 14, 2007, 07:04:00 PM
lol sajid! that was great :rotfl :rotfl
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: LWSpevack on February 17, 2007, 12:54:19 AM
Everything You Need To Know About Health Care - From The AARP!!!

MEDICAL INSURANCE EXPLAINED (Research done by the AARP Legal Department)

Q.   What does HMO stand for?

A.   This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE."  Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eye.


Q.   I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?

A.    Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents.  Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan.  The doctors basically fall into two categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan.  But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and a diploma from a third world country.


Q.   Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A.   No. Only those you need.


Q.   Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?

A.   Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.


Q.   What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A.   You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

 
Q.   My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand.  I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomachache.  What should I do?

A.   Poke yourself in the eye.

 
Q.   What if I'm away from home and I get sick?

A.   You really shouldn't do that.


Q.   I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem.  Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his/her office?

A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20 co-payment, there's no harm in giving it a shot.


Q. Will health care be different in the next decade?

A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.


To Your Good Health (because as you'll see, you'll need it!)


Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: LWSpevack on February 19, 2007, 03:18:55 AM
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license.

She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go.  I didn't realize you were a cop."
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: nice friend on April 10, 2009, 08:53:56 PM
HI Buddies,
i found this thread and want to put my Participation in it , soo here's it is....

Happy Married Couple
Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary. They were famous in the city for not having a single conflict in all of their 25 years of married life. Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known “happy marriage”.

Editor: “Sir. It’s amazing. How did you make this possible?”

The husband recalling his old honeymoon days said: “We had been to Shimla after our marriage. Having chosen to go horse riding, we both started the ride on different horses. My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one. On the way ahead, her horse jumped suddenly, toppling my wife topple over. Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse’s back and said “This is your first time”. She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again. This time too she kept her calm and said “This is your second time” and continued. When the horse dropped her the third time, she silently took out a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead!!

I shouted at my wife: “What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?” She gave a silent look and said: “This is your first time!!!”

Husband: “That’s it. We have been happy ever since. “

Keep Smiling
Best Regards
Take Care
Umair
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: Manal on April 11, 2009, 02:05:24 AM
 :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: Zaini on April 11, 2009, 07:24:41 AM
I couldn't decide for a moment that where should i post it,in "Quote of the day" or "Jokes"  :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl



                         (http://www.ahajokes.com/cartoon/self.jpg)

Zaini.


Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: nice friend on April 11, 2009, 08:43:31 AM
 :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl :rotfl
Good One Zaini , :thumbup
After All " BIL'LI,  Shair ki Khala hai " ( Cat is the Aunt of Lion , did I translated right ??? )  hahahaha .... a Good message with gr8 explaining Image .....
i think this cat will be thinking that,
Quote
" Think highly of yourself, for the world takes you at your own estimate! "
:teehee ....

Best Regards
Take Care
Umair
Title: Re: Lets share jokes amongst ourselves
Post by: cherieann on May 04, 2009, 10:00:59 AM
Andy - love your dictionary terms. :rotfl :rotfl